Comedian Brydie Lee-Kennedy has never gone out with Kanye West, never
met Kanye West but still regards him as her worst ex-boyfriend. In fact,
Brydie argues, that he's really everyone's worst ex-boyfriend.
I enjoy Kanye West. I enjoy him as a producer.
I enjoy him as a rapper (though it should be noted that the best verse
on any of his songs is actually performed by Nicki Minaj- this is
objective fact, don’t @ me). I enjoy him as an often baffling but always
interesting figure in global fashion. I also enjoy him as an unlikely
reality TV star, as
his periodic appearances on Keeping Up With The Kardashians are filled with unintentional comedy. I even enjoy him as a dad but mostly because those kids are so damn cute.
But I do not enjoy him as an ex-boyfriend. Kanye is my worst ex-boyfriend.
To clarify, Kanye West is not technically my
ex-boyfriend. In fact, while we’re being technical about it, I’ve never
actually met him. He has no idea I exist, as far as I know (though I
can’t say for sure that’s the case, I don’t know what his reading habits
are like). The closest we’ve ever come to interacting is when a friend
Snapchatted me footage of him performing Power at a music festival, and
it’s just occurred to me that maybe that’s illegal so ignore that last
bit.
So, no, we’ve not dated. But Kanye West is Amber
Rose’s ex-boyfriend and the way he treats her reminds me palpably of my
worst exs that I and many of my female friends have had. In fact, a
correction: Kanye is not just my worst ex-boyfriend. He is our worst ex-boyfriend. Pull up a chair ladies. Let’s chat.
Amber Rose and Kanye dated from 2008-2010
which I think we can all agree was freakin’ ages ago. Since then, both
of them have married other people and had children with those other
people. Amber Rose has written a book, released her own fashion line,
hosted Slut Walk LA and just generally been completely charming and
entertaining. Kanye has...well, look, you know what Kanye’s done.
They’ve both been busy since the breakup, is what I’m saying.
And yet...Kanye just cannot shut the hell up
about Amber Rose. Unless you’ve been under a really solid rock that
doesn’t have wifi, you’ll be aware that last week, Kanye went on a
Twitter rant at fellow rapper Wiz Khalifa. He’s since deleted the Tweets
but you can find them with some very basic Googling because (sings) screenshots are forevaaaaaaah.
The argument started out focused on music
which is all well and good- I’m sure if there had been Twitter in the
70s Lennon and McCartney would’ve gotten proper salty on there. But
then, as so often happens with Kanye, he went off topic. And when
wandering into other insult territory, he ended up exactly where he’s
found himself many times before: being an absolute douche about his
ex-girlfriend (and women generally- you’ve heard Gold Digger right?).
See, Rose and Khalifa were married until late
2014 and, in Kanye’s mind, that gave him the right to claim that Khalifa
“let a stripper trap” him (Rose was working as a stripper when she and
Kanye met, a job she says she loved and at which she was, by all
accounts, very good). He also insinuated that Khalifa resented having a
child with Rose, saying “I know you mad every time you look at
your child that this girl got you for 18 years”. He followed up by
claiming “I own your child!!!!”, a rare statement that’s actually
bonkers enough to deserve four exclamation marks.
Kanye, mate. You have to move on. Because this
isn’t an isolated incident- you talk about her way more than is cool
given how long ago you broke up. Like, last year? When you said you had
to “take 30 showers” after sleeping with Amber Rose before your wife Kim
Kardashian would touch you? Did no one take you aside and explain, over
a beer, that they’re worried about your obsession with your ex’s sex
life? Are none of your friends willing to step up and tell you that, not
only is slut-shaming not a chill thing to do, but it also seems kind of
hypocritical when you are married to a woman who has her own very
public sexual history?
If you really have no one in your life, Kanye,
telling you this stuff, then here, allow me: you need to back the hell
off and not bring up Amber Rose again because you are being the worstex-boyfriend.
Of course, Rose got her own back on this occasion by tweeting that you
just miss engaging in anal play with her, a claim which you then felt
compelled to deny out of what I can only assume was a burst of gay panic
(please consider purchasing my T-Shirts that read “Butt Stuff Is For
Everyone”- the artwork is truly stunning). But, Kanye, she only did that
because you cannot, 6 years after your relationship ended, leave well
enough alone.
In the past, you probably would have got away
with this. A dude criticising a woman’s sexual history while behaving
exactly how he pleased? Pretty standard stuff. And something that all
our worst ex-boyfriends have done. But Amber Rose lives very much in the
now and in the now? Your ex-girlfriends are going to talk back.
So, Kanye, if you’re fighting with a guy, just
fight with that guy! You’re pretty good with words, I’m sure you can
find some good zingers without resorting to tedious misogyny. Please be a
better ex-boyfriend to all of us who’ve had our sex lives called into
question by men who were happy to reap the benefits of it when they were
the ones we were sleeping with. Because Kanye, let’s be real here: if
you think strippers are so gross and you consider getting “trapped” by
one is an insult? You probably shouldn’t have dated one.
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